Mastering Parenthood

Parenthood can be one of the most fulfilling of all life experiences.  The parent/child bond is eternal and can provide a great deal of security for all involved from the cradle until the grave.  As with all aspects of life that are greatly valued, there is an art to parenting. Mastering parenthood has its challenges, especially in today’s world where children are influenced by over-exposure to social media and ever-changing societal trends and beliefs.  Although it is not an easy job, good parenting is achievable, and becoming a master at parenthood is certainly worthwhile.

Where do Parents Get Their Parenting Practices From?

Many people’s knowledge of parenting comes from their childhood.  They rely on the techniques and practices that their parents used. People whose parenting techniques correlate with how they were reared often rationalize that they turned out to be decent human beings and repeat the same methods.

Likewise, adults who have survived trauma by their parents during childhood may unconsciously engage their children using the negative treatment that they experienced.  These parents have to make very conscientious choices not to repeat the same damaging behaviors with their offspring. In the process of healing, these parents can seek therapy, study modern-day child-rearing practices and styles, and/or attend parenting classes.

Whether they depend on family traditions or study, parents must understand that they must be intentional with their children, meaning they must be conscious of the type of people they are rearing their offspring to be.  Although no one is perfect, and parents make mistakes, intentional parenting widens the margins in raising children who are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.

Let’s See What the Experts Say

In many indigenous communities globally, the mother/infant connection is secured as many mothers carry their babies on their backs or torsos.  This constant physical connection alone supplies the infant with the physical, mental, and emotional security that is needed.  Fathers also play a major role in the care of the children. Small children constantly remain in the presence of their parents where they learn life skills through observation and instruction from their parents.

In these cultures, it is not the sole responsibility of the parents to rear the children.  The entire community plays an active role in raising the children which nurtures a sense of cultural pride and attachment to the tribe.  In the book,The Continuum Concept, the author, Jean Liedloff studied the Yequana Indians who live deep in the Amazon Forest.  She coined the methods that this indigenous tribe used to rear their children as the “continuum concept,” which claims that the key to optimal human development is ensuring that infants receive immediate care from birth through childhood.

The Yequana people use the following practices in parenting:   natural birth; breastfeeding, co-sleeping in which infants sleep in the bed with their parents during the first or second years of life; the in-arms phase where the infant is carried on the back or the torso of the caregiver, mostly mothers, but also fathers or other family or community members, until the baby begins to crawl.  This constant human contact allows the baby to absorb the sights, sounds, and movements of the culture into which they are growing.

Other methods practiced in the continuum concept include responsive care in which an infant’s needs are responded to immediately without judgment, displeasure, or the parental invalidation of what is needed by the baby.  The parent should respond naturally without over-responding or constantly making the baby the center of attention.  Responsive care helps infants develop high levels of emotional intelligence.  The constant observation and interaction with parents and the community allow the children to sense and fulfill their caregivers’ positive expectations based on the belief that children are innately social and cooperative.

In the continuum concept, parents also expect their children’s natural self-preservation instincts to keep them safe, which develop appropriate levels of caution and high levels of confidence in children, without the interference of parental anxiety and overprotection.  The children also experience unconditional love as they feel welcome and worthy in the eyes of their parents and community.  Having faith in children’s innate sociality, the parents and community members never withhold their love and respect as leverage to enforce good behavior.    One truth that can be deduced from studying the continuum concept is that the parents and community must exemplify healthy behaviors to influence the positive outcome of this parenting methodology.

In the Village of Peace in Dimona, parenting is a communal experience.  Pre-natal classes are offered to the expectant mother and father by the midwives in the community.  Most of the community’s children are delivered in The House of Life, which is the natural birthing facility in the village.  The babies are delivered by qualified midwives and doulas, and the infants are brought into the world hearing prayers recited by a priest.

For two weeks the new mothers recover in the House of Life and are served three healthy, vegan meals per day, visits from the members of the community who cheer the mother and check on the new bundle of joy.  Mothers breastfeed their newborns for optimum nutrition for the little one, and to also continue the mother/child bonding process.

In Hebraic culture, if a mother has a boy, she rests for 40 days and if he has a girl, she rests for 80 days. During this rest period, she does not have to cook, clean, or fulfill any other household chores, as she and her family’s needs are fulfilled by family members or other community members.  This allows the mother to heal physically after giving birth, and to further strengthen her connection with the infant.

The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is a thriving manifestation of love in the Village of Peace.  All adults are seen as parents, grandparents, uncles, or aunts, and assist in rearing the children by teaching and nurturing the youth, correction, spiritual guidance, and lactating women even substitute nursing babies when a mother is unable to or absent.  This successful model serves as a viable example of parenting that is beneficial to the children and parents, and rewarding in building strong communal ties and national pride.

Then there is Dr. Benjamin Spock, a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who wrote, The Common Sense of Baby and Child Care, which is one of the best-selling books of the 20thcentury.  His instant-gratification approach to child-rearing was practiced by many people and challenged the strict, no-nonsense parenting techniques that were prevalent in early Western culture.

His methodologies also parallel practices found in the continuum concept. Introducing methods that would create loving parent/child bonds, he taught that children need to be hugged and that parents need to let children know that they are loved and special.  No one can debate that verbal and physical affection are very important in rearing emotionally healthy children.  He also taught that feeding schedules and regimented life structures for children were not necessary.  One of the ways that he revolutionized parenting is by stressing that providing emotional security to children was key to producing whole adults.

His theories also caused his critics to blame him for having helped form the generations of American youth who protested the Vietnam War and launched the counterculture movement of the 1960s.  However, it seems that his parenting techniques created generations of people who held deep moral convictions and stood against unjust political policies and social conditions.

While these approaches to parenting may differ in execution, the results illustrate that investing time and interest with intention are some keys to mastery in parenthood.

The Process of Child Development

A fact that parents must consciously consider is that all humans evolve through a series of developmental psychosocial stages which can result in human struggle if not dealt with appropriately.  These developmental stages introduced by Dr. Erik Erikson, a child psychoanalyst, shape a person’s character and personality.   In mastering child-rearing, parents should at least consider the following stages that pertain to children:

Some may question the validity of these stages in human development, but it cannot be denied that children display certain needs at different ages.  The infants whose physical and emotional needs have to be met to guarantee physical survival become toddlers who begin to venture out on their own to experience life.  That helpless, crying infant who needs to be fed and cuddled grows into a curious toddler seeking independence  who says, “Let me do it Mommy.”

During the years of adolescence and early adulthood, children undergo so many biological/hormonal, emotional, and mental changes that navigating these stages presents numerous challenges for parents. Hormonal changes onset by puberty where there is a constant fluctuation in estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone, cause youth to have mood swings, a plethora of fleeting emotions, and impulsive behavior.  Not to mention that the frontal lobe of children’s brains which controls decision-making, problem-solving, judgment, memory, etc. does not fully develop until they are in their mid-20s.  As overwhelming as all of these factors may be, parents must be knowledgeable and use sound parenting tools to navigate through these turbulent times in the lives of their children.

Mastering Parenthood

Yes, being a parent is a very serious and rewarding endeavor. Mastering parenthood requires a desire driven by love, good parenting tools, and lots of energy. Biblical scripture teaches, “Train up a child in the way that he must go, and when he grows old, he will not depart from it.”

Parents must stay the course, and while expecting high moral standards from their children, they must also understand that first they, the parents, must exemplify these standards, and raise their children wisely and with much consideration.  After some trial and error, their children will willingly incorporate these teachings into their lives appreciating the lessons/gifts imparted to them by their parents. Positive, intentional parenting is a part of the recipe that solidifies the parent/child relationship and secures strong family ties for future generations.